I feel bad that I haven’t been a better son. Jim has been a better son to you up through this point. He’s remembered your birthday, he’s bought you more birthday and Christmas presents and has probably called & talked to you more than I have over the years. I know that isn’t the simple measurement of being a “good son” — however, it’s something I regret over the years a lot.
However, I realized today why I haven’t been a better son. While it’s not a good excuse in forgiving me for all my lack of care towards you and dad…it’s just a fact of reality. Also, I’m hoping through the grace of all the powers that may be, I hope I can make up for all the lost time.
I think it’s because I was meant to help more people in this world. Ever since I was born, all I could think of “how can I make more people smile in this world?” After college, I’ve only been thinking of jobs that I thought might make a “big difference” in this world. I struggled with working in something like that and simply trying to make enough money to survive & so there were times where I wanted to give up on the ideal and just try to make money. I think now, I realize I can do both. I do have some work to do to get out of the mess I’ve created the past few years, but I know I can do it. I just have to work hard & stay focused. I plan on doing that. I also realized I am strong, powerful, amazing, persuasive, diligent, hard working and most of all caring and these are what qualities are going to help me creat at least one great company, if not many more beyond that. My goal is to honestly help as many people in this world become as happy as possible. Sometimes I focus on that too much and that’s why I don’t have enough time to focus on you or dad. For that, I am sorry.
All in our past hasn’t been bad, I realize, because there have been a lot of great memories and time spent together. I remember the winters in Shelton at our house on the lake where you, Jim, Dad and I would watch TV in the living room and laugh together because Dad would disappear for a moment and walk out stark naked minus wearing your bra and panties trying to make us fall out of our chairs — which we did. I remember sitting next to you while you were trying to teach Jim how to say “bye” in Korean and he kept on saying “hello” instead. It was almost comical to see how many times he say “hello” before he finally said “bye” by the 150th time or so. I remember the day you waited outside for me when I urinated in my pants on the busride home from pre-school. I was crying so hard, but you were waiting with open arms to comfort me on one of the saddest days of my life. I remember the day you witnessed me from a large crowd at Junior High getting the award for 3 years of perfect attendence and the Math Student of the year. I remember seeing how happy you were and the big smile on your face. I remember when I was like 7 or 8 years old and I used to cry before going to sleep because I worried soooooo much that I would never see you ever again after you died. I kept on thinking, “How can I see my mom again after she dies?” I worried so much day after day and kept on trying to figure out how I can do it.
Well, I want you to know now matter what I do and no matter what happens from this moment on in life mom, I truly love you. I always have and always will. I will try to be better, but at the same time, I hope you can understand. I guess that’s why you’re my mom and no other person will be.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me. You’ve heard this several times before, but I truly do. I thank you and dad for supporting Jim and me through all the times in our life. I hope I can repay you both at least a small percentage of what you have given me in life.
“Brandon” Byung-hyu Na